What is a softened start up?
by Tyler Rogers, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC, NCC
Many people spend time reading and asking about the best advice for a successful, happy marriage. There are lots of answers to this question. Perhaps you have heard to never go to bed angry. Or maybe to always check with your spouse before committing to plans. Or don’t discuss your marriage business with your parents. These are in and of themselves great ideas, however, they are simply that- ideas.
What people often do not ask is this- what is one skill I need to have a successful marriage? Well often don’t think of marriage as requiring skills. We think of it in ideas. But I would rather give you direction on a skill than advice on an idea.
So what’s my answer to the question of the one skill? I figured you wanted to know if you’re still reading. The one skill I would bestow on any marriage would be that of a soft start up.
Gottman defines a soft start up as …. A soft start up is the ability to effectively communicate anger, hurt or disappointment in a relationship without criticizing the other person.
I find this little nugget simple to offer and difficult to teach, but nonetheless, I find it invaluable. I see a lot of relationships and have given counsel to hundreds over the past 15 years. Many times the root of so many problems begin with this simple skill, or the lack thereof.
You are angry because the clothes are on the floor, the dishes are not put away, your mother in-law insulted you, your hard work on that kid project is not acknowledged, money is spent on something you despise, your spouse just did that parenting thing that drives you insane. There are things upon things that make us upset in relationship and the opportunity to get upset is abundant.
Many people try a number of tactics to soften their start up, such as not start up at all, or trying to say it calmly (which does matter). The skill of knowing how to express that emotion in a way that creates awareness and change can feel elusive.
So I’m here to help with a few ideas. First and foremost, if you’d like to soften your start up, learn how to take a minute to breath before saying anything. Most of the things I listed above are not matters of life and death. It’s entirely possible to wait until you know what you want to say before bringing it up. Most people are quite aware of the surge of emotions that strikes them in a moment of conflict. We have often learned to respond to the various ways in which we feel emotionally perturbed with blurting out whatever comes to mind. It is important to unlearn the pairing of feeling annoyed or upset and then saying something immediately, and taking a break first can be helpful.
Second to that, it is important to use that brief break to reflect on what is upsetting you and think of a non-judgmental way to say what you would like to say. A simple way to do so is to point out the thing that upset you, followed by your interpretation of that action or statement and your emotions, such as:
“When I hear you say______, I think _______, and I feel __________”
The removal of judgement will aide you in getting heard about what has upset you. It allows you to have your feelings and talk about yourself, not necessarily your partner. For more on soft start up, check out this video:
If you would like some help learning how to practice your own softened startup, reach out today!