Why We Sometimes Snap at the People We Love (and What IFS Can Teach Us About It)
by Amy Achata, LPC-MHSP (Temp), NCC
Maybe you have come across the term Internal Family Systems (IFS), or heard it described as “Parts Work.” It’s been showing up more in therapy circles—and maybe even on your social media feed. As a therapist, I’ve found IFS to be one of the most compassionate and transformative approaches out there. Let me tell you why.
There are two big reasons I’m drawn to IFS:
IFS starts with a core belief that people are inherently good and deeply connected.
2. IFS offers a loving, non-judgmental way to relate to yourself—and others.
IFS is based on the idea that all of us have different “parts” within us. These parts are aspects of our personality that step in to protect us, help us cope, or hide away our more vulnerable emotions. In many ways, they are doing their best to help us survive.
But here’s the thing: our culture often teaches us to push these parts away with willpower, or worse, shame. IFS flips that script. Instead of fighting with those parts of ourselves, we get curious about them. Because in this approach, there are no bad parts—only parts that have taken on extreme roles in order to protect us.
As IFS founder Dr. Richard Schwartz writes:
“What I’ve found is that love is the answer in the inner world just as it is in the outer world. Listening to, embracing, and loving parts allows them to heal and transform as much as it does for people.”
(No Bad Parts, p. 17)
So what does this actually look like in real life?
Let’s say it’s a Saturday morning. Micah is cleaning the kitchen and getting more irritated by the minute because her partner, Jordan, is still in bed. They've been together for a few years, and Micah is starting to wonder if the magic is gone. When Jordan finally walks into the kitchen for a hug, Micah snaps:
“So you finally decided to get up. Must be nice.”
Sound familiar?
When we’re upset, it’s easy to focus on what our partner is doing wrong. But IFS invites us to pause and take what’s called a U-turn. Instead of trying to change the other person, we turn inward and ask: What’s going on inside me right now?
Micah’s reaction might be coming from a part of her that feels overwhelmed, unappreciated, or alone. And maybe, like many of us, she’s carrying emotional burdens from the past—expectations of what love should look like, or fears of not being enough. When we expect a partner to fill all those emotional gaps, the pressure builds—and that’s when resentment sneaks in.
The truth is:
👉 Your partner can’t make you feel worthy or loved. That’s an inside job.
That’s where the U-turn comes in. In IFS, making a U-turn means gently shifting attention away from what others are doing and toward your own inner experience. It means becoming the primary caretaker of your emotional parts.
When you do this, something powerful happens:
You no longer need your partner to fix your feelings.
You can love and enjoy them for who they are, not who you wish they’d be.
And your partner is free to be themselves, without the pressure of making you feel whole.
That’s the kind of connection IFS helps us create—both with ourselves and with the people we care about. Here’s a brief video explaining a U-Turn.
If you are interested in learning more about how to “U-Turn”, reach out to Amy Achata today!