Maybe you have come across the term Internal Family Systems (IFS), or heard it described as “Parts Work.” It’s been showing up more in therapy circles—and maybe even on your social media feed. As a therapist, I’ve found IFS to be one of the most compassionate and transformative approaches out there. Let me tell you why.
I considered it a wake-up call when I came across the New York Times article by Oliver Burkeman, “Stop Multitasking. No, Really-Just Stop It.” Somewhere during my years of raising my three children, I came to believe that my days would be richer and more streamlined if I could conquer numerous tasks at once, all the while wondering why I felt scattered and depleted. Burkeman describes it as being “afflicted by the ambient anxiety that seems to be an intrinsic part of life in the 2020s.” He prescribes a novel antidote for restoring one’s sanity: be present and focus on one activity at a time.
The holiday season has quickly descended upon us and for many, it can be a time of tremendous anxiety over people pleasing, getting the perfect gifts, and trying to make everyone’s family happy with your choices of how you spend your few precious days off work. For others, it may mean navigating an extended break from school with your family and introducing that special someone to the family for the first time. No matter how chaotic, stressful, or conflicting your holiday time may be, here are a few simple things to think about and reflect upon before excessive turkey and shopping consume every ounce of free brain capacity.
Ted Lasso believes it. Walt Whitman said it. But do you do it?
If you were to ask me What’s the one piece of advice you have for a successful relationship?, my answer would be this: Be curious, not judgmental. Easier said than done, right? This is an issue that plagues many of the relationships that I help on a day in and day out basis. So why does this simple issue plague so many relationships?
Lips tightening. Arms crossed. Tone harshening. Heart rate increasing. Palms sweating. Breath shortening.
These are a few things I see in my office daily, not part of an Eminem song. Well, mostly. They may also be things you experience in your marriage, whether it be something you do or something you are the recipient of. Becoming dysregulated in a conversation or conflict can be a common pattern, particularly in relationships that feel strained or tense often. Dysregulation can be described as entering into a state of hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypoarousal (freeze). These states are something every person is capable of doing, and we hope so because they are adaptive for our survival and ability to navigate certain challenges in life.
Ted Lasso believes it. Walt Whitman said it. But do you do it?
If you were to ask me What’s the one piece of advice you have for a successful relationship?, my answer would be this: Be curious, not judgmental. Easier said than done, right? This is an issue that plagues many of the relationships that I help on a day in and day out basis. So why does this simple issue plague so many relationships?
Lips tightening. Arms crossed. Tone harshening. Heart rate increasing. Palms sweating. Breath shortening.
These are a few things I see in my office daily, not part of an Eminem song. Well, mostly. They may also be things you experience in your marriage, whether it be something you do or something you are the recipient of. Becoming dysregulated in a conversation or conflict can be a common pattern, particularly in relationships that feel strained or tense often. Dysregulation can be described as entering into a state of hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypoarousal (freeze). These states are something every person is capable of doing, and we hope so because they are adaptive for our survival and ability to navigate certain challenges in life.
Many families today face a growing, quiet threat outlined in Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play – a long list of responsibilities that overwhelm and stress the typical family. Partners must handle the obvious tasks such as paying bills, cooking, home maintenance, doctor’s appointments and cleaning, as well as the less noticeable items requiring energy like social planning for the family, choosing, signing up and attending kids activities, arranging rides or play dates, and building the annual Valentine’s box. This constitutes what some call “invisible labor” in the home, labor that is required or expected, but not compensated. If this labor is not acknowledged or shared, a sense of imbalance can develop that often spills over into greater forms of conflict. The issue is pervasive and usually starts to enter a relationship upon the introduction of a first child.
It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!
Today, after talking about being sad and being angry, we must all admit that we are a little afraid….
Be Afraid
Along with making us angry, that thing that is threatening us, that thing we cannot see, it is scaring us too. It is what makes us panic shop, digest hours of news looking for some hope, or search for some dove with an olive branch that tells us this is going to come to an end, that the waters are essentially receding.
It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!
Today, after talking about being sad yesterday, I think it’s time we tackle another feeling we need to acknowledge….
Be Angry
Yes. That is right. It is okay to be angry. Anger is passion. Anger is showing you that you care about your family, your job, your friends, your employees, your co-workers or your causes. We tend to now spend hours anger tweeting this or that or aligning ourselves on one political side or the other, all because we are angry and want change.
It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!
So today, let’s tackle this feeling to kick things off…
Be Sad
This is the strongest emotion we’ve noticed in ourselves, and yet, most of us have a hard time naming it. It escapes us as we endlessly scroll and search to see if this event or that thing is going to be cancelled. It’s hard to face being sad and feeling pain. We are all sad. We are grieving. We continue to shed bits and pieces of normalcy here and there and hang on to others, bargaining all in an effort to not be too sad and maintain a little bit of hope. But there is so much grief to be had.
It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!
Over the next several days, we’ll post 1 way “to be” during the current state of things. We will kick things off later this week, so check back in…
Marital conflict happens in every relationship, but conflict alone is not necessarily a sign of trouble. So how can you know if your marriage really is in trouble and not just experiencing common marital conflict? Well, Dr. John Gottman has studied couples and their communication patterns extensively, to the point of being able to predict with 90% accuracy who would stay together and who would get divorced. His findings produced what he labeled the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with the Apocalypse being the end of your relationship
The point is this- relationships, whether marital, familial and yes, organizational go awry due to poor communication, unclear roles and unmet or unrealistic, or even just different expectations lead to relationship deterioration and poor organizational health. And furthermore, relationships continue to go awry when the real problems - poor communication, unclear roles and unmet or unrealistic expectations – are not addressed. In organizations, it simply means firing and hiring a new coach without doing anything to improve communication, roles, or expectations. And in marriage, it is getting a divorce and remarrying without ever seeking to understand why the first marriage failed.
