What Emotional Safety Really Means—and How IFS Can Help You Build It From Within
by Amy Achata, LPC-MHSP (Temp), NCC
When we think of emotional safety, most of us imagine being truly seen, heard, and understood. And while those things absolutely matter, there’s a deeper layer we often overlook. Real emotional safety doesn’t come from how others respond to us—it comes from knowing we won’t abandon ourselves, even when we feel misunderstood.
That might sound counterintuitive at first. After all, being heard and validated is a powerful experience. But in any relationship, no matter how healthy, there will be times when others don’t fully “get” us. That’s just part of being human.
The key is learning how to stay with ourselves, especially in those moments.
The Role of IFS in Creating Inner Safety
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a therapeutic approach that helps us build this kind of inner safety. It’s about changing the relationship we have with ourselves—learning to connect with and care for the different parts of us that show up, especially in moments of stress, self-criticism, or fear.
In IFS, we work with something called the 6 F’s, which offer a gentle and structured way to understand and relate to our internal parts. Here's a quick overview:
Find the Part - Identify the part of you that’s activated and notice where you feel it in or around your body.
Focus on It - Bring your attention inward and really notice what this part feels like—without judgment.
Flesh It Out - Get curious about it. What is it like? What does it feel, think, or believe? Begin to unblend—create space between you and the part.
Feel Toward It - Ask yourself: How do I feel toward this part? The goal is to access what we call Self-energy—a sense of curiosity, compassion, or calm.
BeFriend It - Start a relationship with the part. What is its role? What is it trying to do for you? What is its positive intention?
Find Its Fear - Ask the part, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing your job?” This step brings insight and often leads to a deeper sense of compassion.
A Personal Example: Befriending My Inner Critic
Let me share how this process played out in my own journey. I have a pretty harsh Inner Critic—maybe you can relate? It’s the part of me that pushes hard, expects perfection, and speaks in ways I’d never speak to anyone else.
For a long time, I believed that being hard on myself was the only way to stay motivated and successful. Many of us grow up with messages like “Just try harder” or “Stop being so sensitive.” Those beliefs can shape how we relate to ourselves, often in unkind ways.
Through IFS, I began to work with my Inner Critic using the 6 F’s.
Find the Part: I noticed that when the Critic was present, I felt tightness in my chest and shoulders—like I couldn’t take a full breath.
Focus on It: I gently brought my attention to those areas of tension, just noticing what was there without rushing to fix or analyze.
Flesh It Out: This part was tricky. I didn’t want to know the Critic better—I just wanted it gone. But I asked the part of me that was feeling overwhelmed to step back, so I could stay present with curiosity rather than frustration.
Feel Toward It: With a little space, I started to feel differently. Instead of resistance, I could tap into some understanding. It wasn’t easy, but I was able to start seeing the Critic as part of me, not all of me.
BeFriend It: Here’s where the shift happened. The Critic told me it had been doing this job forever—to protect me from rejection and push me toward approval. It wanted me to succeed, to be safe, to avoid judgment. I felt a wave of compassion for how hard it had been working all these years.
Find Its Fear: When I asked, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?” the answer came instantly: “I’m afraid you’ll be rejected.” That landed deeply. Of course it was afraid. It was trying to protect me in the only way it knew how.
You Can Build Inner Safety, Too
This work isn’t always easy—but it’s transformational. IFS helps us learn how to show up for ourselves in ways we may have never been taught. And in doing so, we begin to build real, lasting emotional safety from the inside out.
If you’re curious about working with your own inner parts—whether it’s an Inner Critic, a people-pleaser, a perfectionist, or a part of you that just feels really tired—I’d be honored to support you. You don’t have to do it alone. But the real magic happens when you learn how to stay with yourself—no matter what.
Here are a few clips of what IFS can be like…
If you’re interested in learning more or engaging in a similar process for yourself, please reach out to me at aachata@scoutcounseling.com.