Last week I had the opportunity to answer some questions regarding premarital counseling for Mid South Bride. Premarital counseling is often underestimated in it's worth for those seeking to tie the knot, so I encourage you to hop on over to Mid South Bride and check out my post! And while you are there, check out many of the other good resources Mary and Candace have for those seeking to get married, from information on vendors and venues to bridal shows and good books to read for brides to be.
I Dare You (3 Languages, 5 Questions)
Yesterday I had the privilege of listening to Dr. Gary Chapman present on his New York Times Bestseller The 5 Love Languages.
Dr. Chapman’s work is one of many in his series about love languages. A love language is simply the way in which we best receive love from others. Chapman’s 5 languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Gifts,and Acts of Service. While we may receive love in all of these ways, chances are, we each have a primary way of receiving love, and knowing this can allow our relationships to flourish. I recommend Dr. Chapman’s works as simple ways to address issues in your relationships that may stem from not understanding one another’s primary love language. Want to know what your primary love language is? I thought so. Here is a link directly to Dr. Chapman’s site, where you may take the 5 Love Languages Quiz for FREE. Click on “Discover Your Love Language”.
Now, if you are in a relationship and you take this quiz, forward the link on to your spouse or partner and have them take it too! After you and your partner have your results, here are some questions to ask each other. I would also recommend asking your partner these questions that Dr. Chapman proposed even if they do not want to take the quiz.
1. What can I do to help you?
Seems really simple right? Like middle…maybe even elementary school simple? But we often overlook the easy things in life for the more complicated answers. We want to make our relationship a complicated game of sorts, holding on to resentments and past disappointments, keeping score of who has done what lately. This open question gets our partner’s needs out on the table, which opens the door to intimacy- real intimacy. You may not always be able to help in the way that is asked, but wouldn’t it be better to know what is needed rather than guessing? And while this takes away the “romantic guesswork” of “just knowing” what your partner needs, I would argue that such a thing only happens after years of asking this question and learning how to be the best help to your spouse. Go ahead, I dare you to ask your spouse or partner today this question and find out, through that answer, what might be their love language. Is it doing an act of service, spending some quality time, giving a hug? Again, I dare you to find out.
2. What would make life easier for you?
Again, this seems borderline insulting in its elementary nature, but if it is so easy, why aren’t most of us asking? Sometimes we are afraid that we will be asked to do or to fix something that we are not able to actually fix. But the beauty of this question is that the nature of it may lead to an answer that has nothing to do with you! So again, I dare you to ask, and in doing so, find a way to love your partner by making their life easier! Ask a follow up question- what would be a relief for you? Time together? A back rub? Doing some chores for you? Again, I dare you….
3. What can I do to be a better husband/wife or partner/significant other?
Yes, we are still in elementary school, though we are approaching middle school because this one is directed at us! We might fear the answer, but I can say that the opposite, which is not knowing how to improve as spouse and leaving it up to guesswork is really scary, at least to me anyways. I encourage you to ask and be hopeful! You may find that in as much as you may be falling short, you may also find that you are spending time doing something, such as cleaning the house, giving back rubs, creating endless time together, purchasing expense gifts, or heaping lavish praise upon your spouse, that is actually not necessary. You may get freed from your misguided attempts to love your spouse and get the encouragement of finally loving your spouse the way they want to be loved. Go on…I dare you.
Russel Brand's Thoughts On...Porn?
Yes, in the past couples of weeks Russell Brand made headlines for a posting on his You Tube Channel The Trews. In his channel, Brand offers commentary on the current headlines, and in this episode, he discusses detrimental affects of the “commodification” of sex in his own life and in our culture. Yes, Russell Brand, who to many is a sex symbol in our culture, sees pornography as dangerous and problematic.
Some of the highlights from the video embedded below, which I recommend you watch, include how pornography shows too little, meaning it shows the lack of love, how it exaggerates the prevalence of sex in society, decreases productivity, and how we lack awareness of how these “icebergs of filth” coming into the home via the internet will affect young minds in the future. I think his point that the opposite of dealing with porn is not to create it from a woman’s prospective, as in Fifty Shades of Grey, for that would be like dealing with racism by coming up with equally offensive language for white people as the offensive words that describe black people. Rather, dealing with pornography is getting at the heart of the issue and the lie used to make space for movies like Fifty Shades as “empowerment” to women.
To delve further in, take a look at Brand’s video. I also recommend his follow up segment responding to questions and comments from the first video. One excellent point made in the follow up is how the movie Fifty Shades objectifies men as needing to have good looks, wealth, and power to be worthy of love from a woman. For more on the subject of pornography and it’s influence on culture, check out my previous blogs The Conceit of Porn, The Cruelty and Compassion of Porn, The Construct of Porn, as well as my response to Belle Knox, a Duke student paying for school by making pornography.
I also recommend checking out Covenant Eyes, as a parent or young adult, for information on making your home as safe as possible and a recent blog by XXX Church’s Craig Gross as he reacts to seeing the movie Fifty Shades of Greyand a post from their website about what they have learned from Brand's post.
Warning: Video contents some offensive language and content that may not be suitable for young audiences. Viewer discretion advised.
New New Years Resolutions (And Why the Old Ones Don't Work)
It’s a new year and many are hitting the ground running with “newness”- new jobs, new budgets, new goals, new hopes and dreams, new cities, new relationships….
And then....
Many of us fall face down in the mud on the new things we set out to do. Losing those extra pounds, going to bed earlier, working out more often, or whatever it was suddenly got lost somewhere between the new season of Downton Abbey and the end of Parenthood. We are left feeling about as hopeless as the half-dead, cold, wet Christmas tree sitting on the curb. But why does the pattern of high hopes crashing down to utter defeat end up happening year after year, almost with as much certainty as our dear friend Puxatawny Phil will see his shadow, and often by the time his fateful day arrives in early February?
Well, here are my best reasons at why our resolutions often lack resolve.
1. Our timing is off.
Yes, when we set out on our path to redemption in the New Year, one obstacle is that our timing does not set us up to win. What I mean is that time becomes the motivating factor of “the New Year”. For some reason, January 1st on a calendar is supposed to ignite us with a sudden unquenchable desire to endure extreme physical pain, more hours of sleep, or drastic dietary changes. The reality is that time is not that last motivational nugget we need to push us over the edge. Though we may all say “well, timing is not what I put stock in for my success”, if that was true, and time didn’t affect us so much, then we’d probably have just as many Tuesday resolutions as New Year resolutions. So figure out the time when you’d be ready to begin on the path of change you would like to implement.
2. Too high of expectations
That mention of the word extreme in the previous example is no joke. Many times we want to start exercising 3 times a week, but 1 time before January 1st was all too impossible. How can we go from 0 to 3? Or if we hated eating tasteless, dull food before and foregoing all small “treats”, how can we suddenly change that and expect to like all new food, much less maintain liking it? Bottom line, we expect a whole lot of ourselves, either through the degree of the one resolution or the number of resolutions made. Give yourself the grace to have realistic expectations to getting realistic resolutions. If you want to lose weight, be specific (how many lbs.?- as challenging as looking at the scale can be- you can do it!) and realistic. Losing a pound a week is about what’s healthy, for the most part. So do you expect more? And your weight may change throughout the day, so that pound in one or two weeks may be hard to measure, but after 8 weeks, you would notice 8 pounds.
3. Emphasis on behavior over lifestyle
Many times our resolutions revolve around a behavior- lose 10 pounds, eat less sweets, exercise daily, etc., but there is a fundamental piece missing. We are shooting for behavior changes, not lifestyle changes. For example, if we want to lose weight, that’s a great resolution! But just trying to eat a little bit less of this, denying yourself that extra helping there, and doing a little bit of running every now and then won’t probably do the magic you want. You have to be ready (see point 1) to change your lifestyle. That means resolving to allocate your time differently, shop for different food, change your entire diet (not get on a diet- everyone is technically on a diet of some kind), and become an “exerciser”, not one who exercises. Now, that may sound overwhelming, but it’s often far less overwhelming than trying to live in both camps- the old you and the new you. Usually we just grab that pint of ice cream and self-shame by the spoonful once we fail to execute behavior X within Y timeframe. A lifestyle change allows for flexibility and grace to be patient with yourself as you make a lifestyle change- one that you want to stick around, rather than a behavior change. A lifestyle change will take time (at least 90 days or more) because there’s no desire to return to the former way of being. A behavior change almost guarantees that you will keep resolving to lose that 10 pounds year by year.
4. No consideration of self.
Fourth and finally, our resolutions often fail because we don’t consider ourselves. What do you mean, Tyler? I mean that we often make our resolutions based on our perceived expectations from others. We need to lose this weight or do more of this because someone else would be happy if we did, or less disappointed in us if we were to change. Someone else would like us more or regret that we ended the relationship with them. But we forget to consider the most important one in it- ourselves. Do we want to change for our sake? Do we think are worthy of weighing less, eating healthy, exercising more, or whatever it is? Do we value ourselves enough to make those changes? If we don’t, we’ll often be ruthlessly impatient with our lifestyle change and find ourselves jumping off the high dive of despair into a pool of self-hatred, or chocolate chip cookie dough.
So in this New Year, I encourage you to think holistically. What realistic lifestyle change would you like for yourself? How are you going there? And when would you like to start?
What Is a Boundary?
Some of you may be very familiar with the concept of interpersonal boundaries. Others may be familiar with the concept of a physical boundary such as a fence, but not as clear on the idea of boundaries as they apply to relationships. And others may not be aware of the concept of a boundary at all. Well, interpersonal boundaries are extremely important, I believe, to living a functionally healthy and mentally stable life. One of the leading experts on the concept of boundaries is Dr. Henry Cloud. He has written various books on the subject of boundaries, such as boundaries with children, leaders, and dating, but I suggest his classic book written with John Townsend as a good place to start with learning about healthy relationship boundaries. Here is a brief video from Dr. Cloud on what boundaries are and why we need them.
If the concept of boundaries is new to you, I highly recommend picking up Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and give it a read today. And for further reading on the subject, consider the coinciding workbook or Dr. Cloud's books pertaining to boundaries with dating, leaders, and kids.
Domestic Violence in the Church
A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Brandi Hunter. Brandi publishes her a blog featuring faith based news and information with a particular focus on the Greater Memphis Area. Her particular focus in this interview was the church's response to issues like domestic violence and how the church handles issues that need to be addressed in counseling, such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, and many others that are looming in our culture. What do you think about handling issues like domestic violence, mental health, etc., in the church?
Also, to read more from Brandi, check out her posts on Faith 901 or follow her on Twitter @_Faith901.
“Denise is missing.
What do you mean missing? That was my reply to a text I received mid-October 2012.
What it turned out to mean is that about a week later I would use some bereavement days at my job in Arkansas to go home to Memphis to attend the funeral of a dear family member.
Police charged her husband for her murder.”
— Brandi Hunter
Take a look here to read more and please share your comments.
Taking the Low Road: The Neurobiology of Sin and Brokenness
Ever wondered if science can actually validate or stand side by side with issues of faith, particularly when it comes to the nature of sin and relationships? Well, if you have, or even if you have not, the video I am posting this week will hopefully get your mind churning about the relationship between our sin nature and science. This clip is from one of my favorite neurobiologist, Dr. Dan Siegel, who has written some great books (The Developing Mind and Parenting from the Inside Out ) on understanding the mind and the development of the brain, specifically how our emotional systems develop in the brain. In this clip Dan is describing our neurobiological response to receiving what may be an insult, judgement, or some other negative message from a person we perceive as caring for us. This response is commonly referred to as "the low road", which is a neural circuitry consisting of mostly "reptilian-like" responses to our perception of threat. These responses work great when we are facing real threats, like a poisonous snake or some other threat, but not so much for building relationships with people we love and care for, and want to be loved by.
At one point Dan describes these responses as the activation of "an evolutionarily ancient circuit of self-defense that may have no boundaries". As a Christian, I would refer to this as "sin", particularly when it involves another person. Though Dan is not a believer, I think a great deal of his research actually points to the truths outlined by Scripture about our defensive, boundary-less system that causes relational disconnect. Furthermore, I think that his answers and methods for handling these issues can be a fantastic, practical addition to what we already know about dealing with relational sin by way of the Bible. If you are dealing with issues of defensiveness, criticism, and other forms of negative communication in your personal life, your marriage, or your family, I can help.
Jerry Maguire Was Wrong
You've seen the movie. You know the scene. Jerry Maguire, played by Tom Cruise (prior to his Oprah couch surfing days), bursts into the room right on cue to save the male species from the grip of death by the insults of women. While the scene is certainly romantic and inspiring, it is also responsible for leading many to endorse an unhealthy relationship disposition. Jerry falsely leads us all to believe that another person can "complete us", and though that thought does send a warm and fuzzy sensation through our soul - to be "completed" by another - it is the cause of much relationship dissatisfaction.
This faulty manner of thinking generally starts when, out of an inner emptiness, we seek out another to "complete" us, and when we find this person, they become our world. It sounds nice, right? Well, it usually is, right up until there is a moment of difference, a moment when suddenly you don't complete me anymore because I did that or saw that differently than you. The unraveling begins with the discovery of differences that are not encouraging differences, but points of tension that create wounds. These wounds fester for years, if allowed, never really healing properly as the seeds of resentment have been sown and sprouted saplings of hate and bitterness through the open sore.
The formula of relationship is not 1/2 half person + 1/2 half person = 1. No one should "complete" you. You are a complete being, made in the image of God. You are made for relationship, not made by having relationships. Relationships are more like 1 whole person + 1 whole person = 1 healthy relationship. So, to the unattached, do not go looking for another half; start looking to become whole. To those considering becoming permanently attached,discover your relationship equation before making that commitment. And to the attached who are finding that they their relationship is composed of halves, there is still hope.
What Is a Healthy Marriage?
If we are honest with ourselves about the subject of marriage, many of us may admit that we do not really know what a healthy marriage looks like. And if we are really honest, we would admit that most of what we do and how we act in marriage is based mostly on how we saw our primary caregiver(s) behave in relationships. Our honesty about what we do and where we come from would allow us to step wholeheartedly into the grace that comes with acknowledging this truth- that in one sense, we are just doing what we saw, but in another, what we saw could be incredibly empty, painful, and damaging, and furthermore, attempting to get our spouse to do and be just like us in our dysfunction might just be the most damaging thing of all! So then what does a healthy marriage look like? Well, in this brief clip, Dr. Sue Johnson expounds upon what I (and many others in the Marriage and Family Therapy world) think is the key defining element in relationship success: emotional security and responsiveness. That's right. Not agreement, not similar interests, not lack of conflict. Rather, it's the freedom to express oneself and know that one's spouse will listen and respond to us, not necessarily how we want on a content level (meaning just doing what we say), but will respond nonetheless with concern, with an interest in what he have to say. What do you think? Take a look.
The Demise of Guys
This is a brief 4 minute video on the "The Demise of Guys." Dr. Philip Zimbardo identifies the intimacy disorder that is taking down our culture, particularly because the male segment of the population is struggling to connect with women. Zimbardo, an evolutionist, makes compelling points about how the brokenness that has plagued men for thousands of years has been drastically intensified by our technological age. I think this video is a great illustration of how the intimacy issues in our culture are not just an issues of morality or faith, but a place in which scientists, Christians, evolutionists, pastors and many other types are united around in saying that men being mature men is very vital to the sustainability of our culture. What do you think?
Dr. Rogers Quoted in Counseling Today
Dr. Tyler Rogers was recently quoted in an article published in Counseling Today titled, “Premarital Counseling: Clergy or Clinician?”
In the article, written by Kathleen Smith, Rogers shares a few thoughts on the optimal timing for premarital counseling.
Other professionals take issue with the assumption that counseling should only occur before marriage. “I leave my door open for counseling beyond the wedding day, primarily because many issues in premarital [counseling] are discussed in the abstract,” says Tyler Rogers, who is both a pastor and a recent Ph.D. recipient in counselor education. “I find that couples’ expectations and reality never quite intersect as expected, so I find it helpful, though perhaps counter-cultural, to encourage couples to pursue some follow-up meetings beyond the honeymoon.”