Authored by Tyler Rogers
The holiday season has quickly descended upon us and for many, it can be a time of tremendous anxiety over people-pleasing, getting the perfect gifts, and trying to make everyone happy with how you spend your few precious days off work. For others, it may mean navigating an extended break from school with your family, especially in these current times, or introducing that special someone to the family for the first time. And this year, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic and a highly combustible political climate, the holidays may no doubt look quite different for you and your family. No matter how chaotic, stressful, or conflicting your holiday time may be, here are four helpful practices to participate in before excessive turkey and shopping consume every ounce of free brain capacity.
Remember, Set, Form, and Reflect.
1. Remember
It may sound simple, but first, you will need to remember. It’s so very important if you want to create change in your holiday interactions to make space and time to reflect on what is happening year after year. Many times we get sucked into the family machine and get spit out into a January of regret. Regretful of what we said or did not say, gave or did not give, felt or did not feel. But if we make intentional time to remember that we are not children anymore, but adults or emerging adults, remember what we felt like last year post-holiday celebrations, and remember that our feelings, thoughts, and desires are just and valid, we can take steps to set boundaries with family this holiday.
Take 10 minutes right now and set out some reminders on your phone to have reflective time at least weekly or daily amidst the holiday chaos to think about who you are, what you want out of your time, and ways you might communicate those needs and act upon them.
2. Set
Set boundaries. This can and will look different for different people. For some, it means saying “no” to your family because you have said “yes” far too often or because saying “yes” does not feel like a choice. It is okay to take care of you and cease people pleasing. Self sacrifice for family is understandable, but not a requirement. Yes, your family matters, but that does not mean you must have your needs neglected. Healthy families want genuine connections and the best for one another, so “no” is okay, even if it does not make everyone happy.
“Yes” is permissible as well, especially if you continually say “no” so as not to be a burden or engage with hard emotions and drama. Some of us avoid all holiday interaction with family because holidays can look like an episode of Jerry Springer. Even within difficult family time, connection and joy can be had. It is possible to have an enjoyable holiday and not get everything you want and more. It is a potential way to love your family by showing some degree of compromise if you have a family tradition steeped in conflict, yelling, and stubbornness. Sometimes showing up is enough.
Take a moment of remembering and reflection and define what boundaries you need to set this holiday season. Do not go into the time “wishing” and “hoping” for control where you may not have control or expecting it to feel different on its own. Be assertive and do what you can to make it different, change the interaction with your family. You cannot change them, but you can change the way you relate to them. So give yourself the time to think about what you need to say or not say this holiday.
3. Form
Form new traditions and rhythms for the holidays. There is not a legal ramification that I can think of for breaking tradition or starting a new one. That feeling you have right now is not the police coming for you, it is more than likely that shaming family member that pours on excessive guilt for your absence or desire to break tradition. It may seem worse than a legal proceeding, but it is not. Making new traditions creates space for individuals in a family system to reflect their growth and changing needs over the time of a family.
Think about how you would like to make your holiday time special and safe for you and your loved ones, and let traditions die when they have run their course. Form rhythms and traditions to center your family on the real reason for celebrating. Cease being a willing participant to holiday madness that is perpetrated by inappropriate guilt and the fear of “what will it mean if we don’t…”.
Bill Doherty, a well known Marriage and Family Therapist, gives some examples to help you with managing your rituals better, like deciding where to have Thanksgiving when families grow and expand, involving others in the meal prep and clean up, or planning activities for the family that feel new and create new memories. For Christmas, Doherty recommends that you discuss gifting expectations in advance (secret santa or money limits), plan for some family members to be their usual selves and work around them (intoxication or conflict stirrers), learn to build a supporting cast for the Christmas coordinator (there is always one), and find ways to slowly engage the disengaged family member by giving them one or two tasks to help out.
4. Reflect
Finally, take some time to reflect in January about the holidays. Don’t be overly critical, but don’t just assume all was well either. Think about what you might like to change for next year and begin to work on sowing the seeds of change now so that others in the family may be better prepared to change with you in the coming season.
For more about family, I encourage you to read Bill Doherty’s The Intentional Family. If you would like help dealing with your family or your spouse’s family for the holidays and beyond, inquire about services here. We would love to help you cope with holiday stress and make this holiday season feel different than the last. And finally, Dr. Henry Cloud has created an online course to help you with boundaries during this holiday season as well. You can sign up for that here.