Authored by Tyler Rogers
Ted Lasso believes it. Walt Whitman said it. But do you do it?
If you were to ask me What’s the one piece of advice you have for a successful relationship?, my answer would be this: Be curious, not judgmental. Easier said than done, right? This is an issue that plagues many of the relationships that I help on a day in and day out basis. So why does this simple issue plague so many relationships?
Here is Why... (I think)
In relationships we want to seen, safe, and soothed. The reality is that we are all capable of fallacy, and when we behave in certain ways, intentional or not, we create pain in other people. That pain in some way, shape, or form tells us that we are not being seen, safe, and soothed by another in that moment. The brain then does what it does, which is try to understand why such a thing has occurred so that we can protect ourselves from future pain. This is why we have things like seatbelts in cars. We adapt to life based on our understanding of pain felt and what we can do to avoid experiencing that pain again. The problem comes in relationships when we decide the why independently of others. This is where judgment enters the picture and conflict begins. So how do we behave differently?
Avoid a Judgmental Attitude
Assume that even though you feel pain based on your partner’s actions (did not tell me about the work meeting, did not clean the kitchen, forgot an anniversary or birthday), there has to be a reason. Whether or not that is a “good” reason has yet to be determined, but it will go poorly if we make that decision ahead of time and then proceed to tell the other person that their reason, no matter what it is, is not good enough. This will undoubtedly lead to a conflict. So what do you do?
Stand up for Yourself without Putting Down
Instead of launching an accusation, bring this up by saying something about your pain versus their failure. For example it is one thing to say, “You didn’t remember our anniversary, did you?” but another to say “I feel sad and angry about our anniversary being forgotten.” The second is taking your pain and conveying it in a way to create the opportunity to be seen, safe, and soothed, whereas the other takes that pain and creates pain in the life of the other person. Now we have grown our problem instead of managing it, but when it is conveyed well, it opens up conversation where we can do the next right thing, which is being curious, like Ted says…
Find the Understandable Part
To help us regulate in our pain, we need to be curious. Find the understandable part, which is not the same as an excuse. Rather it is to work to believe that there might be at least partly understandable reason that the anniversary was forgotten, even though it is not acceptable. “Maybe they were just really stressed by work”, “Maybe they thought I would not care”, “Maybe they haven’t forgotten, but have a surprise planned.” Any of these are plausible, even though they may not seem likely based on your history in the relationship. But either way I would say it does not matter because you probably do not know the exact reason. Judgment will most certainly limit the opportunity for repair, while engaging the curious circuitry in your brain opens up possibility for healing and making the relationship better.
Give Genuine Regard
And finally, if you are able to be curious and you find the reason that the anniversary was forgotten, you are much more likely to get an honest confession and apology versus defensive behavior. If you can stay non-judgmental, then you can give genuine regard to the other person and their reason. This means not dismissing their reason, but allowing their reason to matter even if it hurts. What you want is for them to take responsibility for their mistake and work to address the why (work to manage stress better or create a better way to remember) versus dismissing it. Yes it hurts, but dismissing it with our pain creates more problems versus opening up a conversation.
In the end, Ted and Walt are right. We have to learn to understand why others behave the way they do versus telling them why, hence being curious, not judgmental. If you have relationships with a spouse, child, or peer or family member that are suffering because of judgment, we would love to help. Reach out today!