Authored by Tyler Rogers
Lips tightening. Arms crossed. Tone harshening. Heart rate increasing. Palms sweating. Breath shortening.
These are a few things I see in my office daily, not part of an Eminem song. Well, mostly. They may also be things you experience in your marriage, whether it be something you do or something you experience from your spouse. Becoming dysregulated in a conversation or conflict is common, particularly in relationships that feel strained or tense. Dysregulation is entering into a state of hyperarousal (fight or flight) or hypoarousal (freeze). These states are something every person is capable of doing because they are adaptive for our survival and ability to navigate certain challenges in life.
However, these states are not as helpful when trying to make a decision about holidays or parent the kids. Again, it is not wrong or bad to experience these states, even occasionally in a relationship. Most everyone does at some point or another. What is not helpful or productive is the lack of recognition that you or your partner is actually entering into one of these states.
When you or your spouse become dysregulated, it is a clear sign that the conversation needs to stop. Couples often argue about this very idea- one person wants to stop, the other does not, and the original topic is put aside to argue about whether or not to stop the argument. So who’s right? Well, neither actually. Yes, I did say just a few sentences ago that the conversation needs to stop, but not forever. If someone is hitting a point of becoming dysregulated, that person typically needs about 25 minutes to regulate before resuming any conversation.
However, most couples’ greatest challenge is not the stopping part. Rather, most couples do not realize the conversation is heading in a poor direction soon enough, hence they do attempt to repair before someone completely loses their mind. How so? Well, how I started. Most people have minor “tells” that they are starting to feel upset and are heading down a negative path. And most couples fail to recognize their partner’s tells, much less their very own. The behaviors I opened with above are just a few of the many signs that someone is losing it, and if you want to have a better relationship with your partner, they are things both of you must come to realize about yourself so you can have better conversations about hard things. Here are a few practical tips.
1. Identify your signs. Take a moment and think about the things you do when you feel upset and overwhelmed. If you are brave enough, ask your partner to, without being critical, describe how they know you are upset. Not critically: “I notice your brow furrow, your face seems to redden, and you appear to intensify your tone.” Critically: “You get really mean and stop caring about anything I say.”
2. Create a plan. Once you both identify how you each behave when upset, create a plan to respond. This can involve a “safe word” that signals “I’m getting upset” without having to say as many words. It can also involve a plan for each person to do something in the next steps that soothes and calms each person down on their own. And finally, make plans about how you each intend to reengage once calm.
3. Discuss the upset. Once you reengage, identify and discuss the words that might have been so upsetting. Take a moment to clarify what was said, what was understood, and what was meant. Try again to talk without going down the same path.
Overall, getting upset is a part of relating. It happens to us all. Learning to stop when dysregulated can do wonders for your relationship by not creating collateral damage through behaving in ways we do not intend or desire to, but feel unable to stop because of our upset.
If you would like help getting to a place where you can do this in your marriage, please do not hesitate to reach out today. My team and I would love to help! Contact us today!