Staying Mentally Well: Be Afraid

Staying Mentally Well: Be Afraid

It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!

Today, after talking about being sad and being angry, we must all admit that we are a little afraid….

Be Afraid

Along with making us angry, that thing that is threatening us, that thing we cannot see, it is scaring us too. It is what makes us panic shop, digest hours of news looking for some hope, or search for some dove with an olive branch that tells us this is going to come to an end, that the waters are essentially receding.

Staying Mentally Well: Be Angry

Staying Mentally Well: Be Angry

It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!

Today, after talking about being sad yesterday, I think it’s time we tackle another feeling we need to acknowledge….

Be Angry

Yes. That is right. It is okay to be angry. Anger is passion. Anger is showing you that you care about your family, your job, your friends, your employees, your co-workers or your causes. We tend to now spend hours anger tweeting this or that or aligning ourselves on one political side or the other, all because we are angry and want change.

Staying Mentally Well: Be Sad

Staying Mentally Well: Be Sad

It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!

So today, let’s tackle this feeling to kick things off…

Be Sad

This is the strongest emotion we’ve noticed in ourselves, and yet, most of us have a hard time naming it. It escapes us as we endlessly scroll and search to see if this event or that thing is going to be cancelled. It’s hard to face being sad and feeling pain. We are all sad. We are grieving. We continue to shed bits and pieces of normalcy here and there and hang on to others, bargaining all in an effort to not be too sad and maintain a little bit of hope. But there is so much grief to be had.

Staying Mentally Well: 6 ways to "Be" during the COVID-19 Pandemic

Staying Mentally Well: 6 ways to "Be" during the COVID-19 Pandemic

It is probably just as important during this time to take note of how to stay well emotionally as much as physically. Yes, hand-washing, social isolation and now mask wearing are important, but the conversation that is crucial to staying mentally, emotionally and spiritually well. These are issues that many are vulnerable to beyond the immunocompromised, so it is time we do some gut checking on our emotional competency. Truth be told, these are probably things we all need to be doing anyway - there is nothing like a little “encouragement” in the form of a pandemic!

Over the next several days, we’ll post 1 way “to be” during the current state of things. We will kick things off later this week, so check back in…

Training the trainer: Are you equipped to provide premarital counseling?

Training the trainer: Are you equipped to provide premarital counseling?

The date is set. Plans are being made. Excitement is filling the air, except it is not your enthusiasm, but the wide-eyed, hand holding, “lovey dovey” couple sitting before you in your office. They cannot wait to get married, and you, perhaps, maybe cannot wait to get them married. Whatever role you have, and in many cases, I suppose a pastoral one, you are attempting to garner the attention of these two lovebirds over the pushy mothers and mother-in-laws, the wedding planner, and a number of other things pulling on these two. Perhaps you hope to give them one or two magical “nuggets” that will set them on a course for success, but you feel that your efforts may even fall short, as it can be difficult to articulate what has worked for you if you are married yourself and have experienced some marital success, but that may not even be true. So my question is- are you desiring to be better able to effectively deliver premarital counseling to the number of couples you engage with annually who are seeking to make the walk down the aisle to marital bliss?

This is Not the End

This is Not the End

Nowitzki and Wade have both choked back tears over the past few days as they have heard meaningful words from fans, family, and former Presidents. But the most meaningful and perhaps surprising thing about this change that I have heard came from Wade, who in an interview with Rachel Nichlos said that he was going to go to therapy to help him with his adjustment. Yes, that’s right. A man, a professional athlete, one we might revere as being strong, capable, and even rich has admitted to having a weakness, and that he intends to do “some therapy”, and even a little more shocking, “maybe even a little bit of therapy with his wife”.

You Belong, You Matter (Thoughts on Anthony Bourdain)

You Belong, You Matter (Thoughts on Anthony Bourdain)

A little over a week ago, I, like many, was saddened and shocked to hear of the suicide of Anthony Bourdain, or “Tony” known by most of those close to him. Bourdain was a renowned chef, music loving performer, and accidental journalist of sorts. He was most well-known for his show “Parts Unknown” on CNN where he would travel all around the world, from rural Mississippi to the far reaches of Myanmar to try food, meet people, and bring an unstructured, personal take on a culture.

Avoiding a Valentine's Day Massacre

Avoiding a Valentine's Day Massacre

You may not be familiar with the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre as a historical event involving deception, spying, guessing, and brutal murder, but you may feel very similar in regards to Valentine’s Day in your own significant relationship. Like Al Capone’s henchmen in the infamous Chicago Massacre of 1929 spying on his rival gang members, you hide out, closely watching your partner trying to discern what their expectations for Valentine’s Day may be.  

Caught Up In the Carpool Line

Caught Up In the Carpool Line

It’s another Wednesday morning. You’re up early, hopefully before the kids, yet wishing you were not up at all. In a haze you pour a cup of coffee and begin counting the events that must transpire before the weekend, seeking a little bit of hope upon the realization that it is not too far away. You snap out it and get on to your typical morning routine, heading out the door and into the carpool line with your peers who have all just completed their own similar version of the same hazy morning routine.

The Great Christmas Trial

The Great Christmas Trial

It’s the most wonderful time of the year...except it’s not. While many approach the Christmas season with overwhelming excitement and glee, others watch the month of December approach with dread and long for this season to over. We may even find ourselves like George Bailey standing on a bridge peering down at the chilly water below and an ending to the pain of Christmas, once and for all.

Surviving the Holidays with Family

Surviving the Holidays with Family

The holiday season has quickly descended upon us and for many, it can be a time of tremendous anxiety over people pleasing, getting the perfect gifts, and trying to make everyone’s family happy with your choices of how you spend your few precious days off work. For others, it may mean navigating an extended break from school with your family and introducing that special someone to the family for the first time. No matter how chaotic, stressful, or conflicting your holiday time may be, here are a few simple things to think about and reflect upon before excessive turkey and shopping consume every ounce of free brain capacity.

What makes a good leader?

What makes a good leader?

From the boardroom to the dining room, the fundamentals of leadership in a systemic perspective revolve around one idea: anxiety. According to Friedman, a leader is one who can effectively manage their own anxiety and not be troubled when others express negative emotions to them.

Signs of Marital Trouble: The Four Horsemen

Signs of Marital Trouble: The Four Horsemen

Marital conflict happens in every relationship, but conflict alone is not necessarily a sign of trouble. So how can you know if your marriage really is in trouble and not just experiencing common marital conflict? Well, Dr. John Gottman has studied couples and their communication patterns extensively, to the point of being able to predict with 90% accuracy who would stay together and who would get divorced. His findings produced what he labeled the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, with the Apocalypse being the end of your relationship

What guides me?

What guides me?

As a therapist, my job is multifaceted. My primary goal is to “escouter”, or to listen to you in order to understand your life, your challenges, your enemies (be they personal, marital, or familial) and use my knowledge, training, and skills to assist you in understanding and dealing effectively with those enemies. My hope is through my scouting efforts, I can help you see how you might respond differently and get direction, hence the compass, to the enemies in your life.

A Grizzly Coach, Organizational Health, and Marriage?

A Grizzly Coach, Organizational Health, and Marriage?

The point is this- relationships, whether marital, familial and yes, organizational go awry due to poor communication, unclear roles and unmet or unrealistic, or even just different expectations lead to relationship deterioration and poor organizational health. And furthermore, relationships continue to go awry when the real problems - poor communication, unclear roles and unmet or unrealistic expectations – are not addressed. In organizations, it simply means firing and hiring a new coach without doing anything to improve communication, roles, or expectations. And in marriage, it is getting a divorce and remarrying without ever seeking to understand why the first marriage failed.

The Everlasting Family: Creating a Healthy Culture in Your Home

Speaking is one of the things I do besides seeing clients on a weekly basis. One upcoming teaching event for me will be a 5 week course entitled The Everlasting Family: Creating a Healthy Culture in Your HomeThe details are below, including the overview and location. If you have any interest in attending or perhaps having me present this material to your church or group, feel free to contact me. I would be glad to discuss coming to teach and present.

Overview:

Family…we can choose friends, but not family.  Sometimes it’s hard for family members to stay on good terms as each season of life brings new challenges.  Everlasting Families is a five week class for young adults, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles…really anyone wanting to know more about identifying and addressing issues families face throughout life.  Participants will learn characteristics of healthy Christian families and stages/cycles families move through.  Learning how to assess your own family culture for health and creating a plan to improve family relationships will be included in the class. 

Location:

Christ United Methodist Church, Memphis, 4488 Poplar Ave, Memphis, TN 38117, Wednesday evenings beginning March 30th-April 27th, 6:15 to 7:30pm, Wilson-Ross Room 201.

Building Sexual Intimacy in Your Marriage

Sex. We hear about sex almost daily. Most weekly magazines appear to offer great tips and ideas about improving your sex life, but upon further review, most of these tips and tricks are shallow and only exist to make you interested in the magazine. Creating and maintaining real intimacy in marriage is often one of- if not the- greatest challenge in marriage and is not solved by “20 Tips to Wow Him” or  “10 New Positions to Change Your Sex Life.” Many Christians struggle in learning a healthy balance of understanding and living out healthy, holy, and God-honoring sex while not relying on our education to come from the magazine section at the grocery store. We may have grown up with contradicting messages about sex or a dearth of conversation about sex. As you may hear below, your message may have sounded like this: "Sex is dirty. Save it for the one you love." (listen/watch below) Either way, the lack of understanding God's gift of sexuality often inhibits us from experiencing deep sexual intimacy in our marriages.

Well, if you are interested in improving your relational intimacy on multiple levels and developing a healthy, Godly view of sex, are married, and live in Memphis, you are in luck! We are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to attend the Passion Intimacy Conference on November 20th-21st. Dr. Mike Sytsma will discuss sex and sexuality from a Christian viewpoint, specifically to help couples develop deeper emotional and sexual intimacy. Developing a healthier view on sex and sexuality is a fantastic way for Christians influence our highly sexualized culture and teach appropriate sexuality rather than avoidance of the subject of sex. I highly encourage you to make time for you and your spouse to attend and enjoy this wonderful experience. More details regarding the topics covered and how to register are below.

Topics:

  • A greater understanding of the beauty of God's gift of sexuality.
  • A sexual vocabulary that helps husbands and wives discuss sexual issues.
  • God's design for resolving sexual desire conflicts in marriage.
  • Creative heart honoring ways to initiate intimacy with their spouse.
  • What's "normal" in sexual response and activity.
  • How to determine what's sexually acceptable for Christian couples.
  • The critical role of emotional and spiritual intimacy for healthy physical intimacy.

Registration Information:

When: Fri-Sat, Nov. 20-21, 2015

Where: Living Hope Church - 345 Keough Dr, Piperton, TN 38017

How much: $90 (check out the website for other information including why Mike recommends getting a hotel for Friday night, etc.)

Other Resources:

Check out this video of Dr. Mike below speaking on Sexual Purity:

And if you are interested in engaging in an ongoing process of healing and growing your marital emotional and sexual intimacy, read more here about my services. I would be glad to continue walking with you before and after the conference.

For more information on the conference, go to: http://intimatemarriage.org/passionate-intimacy-workshop.html/pi_memphis2015.html

Two Simple Questions to Help Your Marriage

Couples often come to see me mired in conflict and destructive patterns of communication. Breaking free from these cyclical and insane interactions requires one, if not both, partners to have the courage to take a risk and do something other than bring up every past failure of their spouse. I often attempt to steer a couple in another difficult direction, only difficult because looking at ourselves and our mistakes is hard enough and only made harder when our spouse, the person we want to be most vulnerable with, is pointing out our failures in what seems like a daily routine while we do the same.

Well, if you dare to be different and change things up from the cyclical dysfunction, whether you are mired in conflict or not, then I have a way to focus your energy towards change. Consider asking your spouse these two questions and commit to doing so daily for 10 days at least, if not longer. Here are the questions and a little explanation.  

Question 1: How are you?

Simple enough, right? In fact, I would bet most of you believe you ask your spouse this question everyday. However, you probably ask something closer to “How was your day?” or “What did you do today?” The big difference in the subject- your spouse vs. the day. The day does not have feelings or a being, but your spouse does and knowing how your spouse is feeling (sad, angry, lonely, afraid, hurt, glad, guilty, shameful) versus how what they did (went here, then here, did this) or their state of being (frustrated, tired, depressed, happy) does not tell you anything about the heart. So, my challenge to you is to be on a black ops type of mission for your spouse’s heart. Now, on to the follow up question….  

Question 2: What can I do to help you today?

Another simple question and another one we may think we often do, but instead, we get tripped up because we ask our slightly off question above “How was your day?” or “What did you do today?” followed by complaint, which we meet with solution because we desire to “fix” the problem. Rather, when we are willing to give up control to ask about our spouse’s heart and to let them, by the nature of this question, “point to where it hurts”, then we can actually be helpful and love our spouse well. This prevents us from doing acts of service that go unnoticed because we do not know what our spouse’s deepest need. It also prevents us from shutting down our spouse by trying to fix something we perceive to be their problem that may not be the problem. For example, the boss at work may be a jerk, but your unsolicited opinion about what to do or worse, taking the matter into your hands, will usually not address the real issue.

Bottom line, we try so hard to fix, modify, and adjust our spouse, and often times very little to hear the heart of our spouse to know what we can actually do improve the relationship and to stop the prosecution of our spouse about their marital failures.

Don’t believe it will work? Well, I cannot convince you, but here is at least one person’s testimony as to how asking a simple question can change the marital dynamic. And if your marriage needs help putting this into practice, I would love to help. See more here.

How to Find Your Perfect Job

A few weeks ago I taught a class in my church on“Discovering Your Vocation”. I thought I would share my notes from the class here on the blog in case some of you are looking for a career. If you are still on a pathway to finding God’s calling on your life, or your “hedgehog” area, which is the intersection of your passion, skills, and job, then here are some things to consider.

A Model for Career Development 

What is a career? Fredrick Buechner gives us a simple yet profound definition: “The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet." Understanding what gives you gladness is part of understanding three big aspects about you. Jonathan McIntosh, the Lead Pastor of Christ City Church, alluded to this as well in his sermon on what Jim Collins calls the “hedgehog concept”, which is the intersection of your passions, your skills, and what you can be paid to do. Furthermore, it is being who God created you to be. So how do we know who God created us to be?

Understanding Who God Created You to Be

Your Story. First, you must understand your story. We discussed three elements in this portion of class, 1) your Gospel story, 2) the story you want to write about your future, and 3) the story of your past shaping your career today. Your Gospel story is simply developing your story of Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration. If you do not understand this in terms of salvation, you will more than likely make your career your redemption, and you will be empty in your career. Second, the story you want to write about your future requires you to dream and think about your future, and then make goals for where you would like to be in 5 years and beyond. And three, we delved into the Career Style Interview to reflect on the people and affinities in our past shaping our story and trajectory for our career today.

Your Uniqueness. Second, you must understand who you are and how you work. A couple of ways to do so are to take the Myers-Briggs personality assessment and have a professional walk you through the results. Knowing your preferences for introversion to extraversion, sensing to intuition, thinking to feeling, and judging to perceiving can help you find the right career, best work environment, and help you function amid your personality differences. Also of help was our discussion of knowing your Holland code breakdown and career interests. Finding your unique Holland code and the interplay between your coding helps know how to find the difference in your career versus your hobby. Taking the formal Strong Interest Inventory and reviewing the results with a professional can help you find our what careers match your personal interests.

Your Passion. Third, to find God’s calling you must listen to your heart to know what you are passionate about. Knowing your uniqueness can most definitely help you find your passion, but we also in class received copies of a simple work values assessment. This assessment helps you find out what is most important to you when it comes to work so that you can find a job and hopefully a career that delivers meaning to you. You can value money, interpersonal relationships, variety, self-expression or service among other things in your job. The awareness of what you value in work will allow you to ask good questions in interviews or shape your current job to fit more with your values.

The World’s Hunger

Once we understand who God made us to be, we can then look outward in the world to see what it is hungry for. The world’s hunger is composed of areas of your life where you have a heart for ministry (which is helped by knowing your passions), places that have been entrusted to you (which is helped by knowing your skills and interests), awareness of the unreached parts of the world, places where you can earn a fair income to give generously, and occupational information and labor trends. A great place to look is the Occupational Outlook Handbook to see information about labor trends and particular career paths.

And finally, we talked about 3 crucial questions and scaffolding. The 3 crucial questions are: What am I able to do (skills)? What do I enjoy doing (passion)? What will someone pay me to do (job)? We must answer these questions to find God’s will for our work life, and then begin to scaffold. Scaffolding is finding two of the three areas above in order to get the “hedgehog”. For example, you want to work at the Advertising Firm, but they are not hiring for account managers. But they do need someone to get coffee and lunch for them. Can you learn that skill and take the pay if it meets your economic needs in order to make connections and open the door to your passion? If not, you may spend a lot of time being miserable getting coffee for the lawyers at the law firm that you don’t want to work at and have no passion for, leaving you with no next step. So, what steps do you need to take to exercise a passion and skill you can earn money for? Or a skill and thing you can receive money for in order to access your passion?

If you desire to have a professional walk with you in developing your career and provide formal assessment to your story, uniqueness, and passions, I would be glad to assist. Contact me here.